And What Didn't Happen Totally Happened
by Miss-Llama-Rabbit
Summary: In which crack is cracked and crack cracked. NejiSasoNeji because seme and uke structures are liiiiiiiiiiiiiies. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES. And if you couldn't tell...in which I also need sleep. Like, badly.


**Is this even allowed? No?**

**Well okay then.**

**So merry fucking obese turkey day, guyz and enjoy some kur-az-ay cracktastic crack pairing crack involving Neji and Sasori. Mmmmmmmmmmm yes. My OTP's are nonexistent yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees.**

**Okay, I'll stop now.**

**Prompts below belong to idk who.**

**1. genderswap**

**2. bodyswap**

**3. drunk!fic**

**4. Huddling for warmth**

**5. Pretending to be married**

**6. Secretly a virgin**

**7. Amnesia**

**8. Time travel AU**

**9. Magical realism**

**10. Truth or dare**

**11. Historical AU**

**12. Accidental-baby-acquisition**

**13. Apocalypse fic**

**14. Telepathy**

**15. High school/college AU**

* * *

**GENDERSWAP**

"Ah…Sasori?"

"What?"

"Since when have you had…well…"

"Well _what?_"

"…are those breasts?"

"…"

"…"

"…fucking shit. Why can't I have a penis instead?"

**BODYSWAP**

"Oh goddamit – NEJI!"

**_Thud._**

"I – fuck – I have a _dick._"

"Yes, I know, amazing, now stop trying to jack off and either show me how to work a puppet body or _help me the fuck up._"

**Drunk!Fic**

"Well, hello there Neji. Aren't we getting a little gropey today?"

"Mm', shu-up you fuck'r and lemme fuck you…"

"I'd say yes, but there's always the problem of my –"

"You dun' need a penis f'r me ta' fu'k you."

"Well, then, by all means – go ahead."

**Huddling for Warmth**

"Of course my boyfriend has to be made of _wood _when we're stuck in Siberia…"

"You could always climb inside of Hiruko and cuddle up next to me…~"

"…hell no you creepy old man pervert. Get away from me."

**Pretending to be Married**

"So Mr…Hyuuga and…ah…Mrs. Hyuuga, is that right?"

"Why yes, yes it is."

Thank god they still had the spare boobs lying around.

**Secretly a Virgin**

"Sasori – you're a virgin?!"

_"Shut. Up._"

"Well, shit. You're one of the horniest men I know."

"I said shut your goddamn mouth you pretentious slut."

"Excuse me for getting laid before you. But – I mean, seriously. This takes creepy old man pervert to a whole new living-in-my-parent's-basement-at-50 level…"

"That's it – _you're sleeping on the couch tonight you whore."_

"You don't even sleep!"

"_I don't care._"

**Amnesia**

"Oh, I'm going to have so much fun with you…payback for all the times you never made me uke…"

"Hm? Fun? Uke?"

"Thank god we have the spare penis lying around. Neji, this might hurt…"

"Hurt? What's going to hurt? Is it this 'penis' you mentioned…?"

"Kukukukukuku…"

"What is 'kukukukuku', Mr. Creepy Old Man Puppet?"

**Time Travel AU**

"…is that you as a little kid?!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh god – Sasori, you're _adorable_!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh god – pfffffffffff, look at those _cheeks!_"

"_You ass, stop pinching my baby cheeks._"

"But they're so squishy!"

"What drugs are you on?! Cut it out!"

"Marijuana and **_NEVER_**."

**Magical Realism**

"Goddammit, are we dressed as Sailor Senshi?"

"How do you even know what a Sailor Senshi is."

"How do _you _even know what a Sailor Senshi is."

"…you're right. Goddammit."

**Truth or Dare**

"So, Danna…have you ever had a crush on someone?"

"…why are we even playing this ridiculous game."

"Stop avoiding the question, Danna, un!"

"Red's gotta fuckin' giiiiiiiiirlfriend!"

"…do I have to answer this?"

"Red and some whore, sitting in a tree - "

"Yes or I'm docking your pay."

"…we get paid?"

"F-U-C-K-ING. WITHOUT A CONDOM."

"HIDAN!"

"…who said it was a girl?"

**Historical AU**

"…are we on a mountain?"

"…dressed like cowboys?"

And then it was Brokeback Mountain all over again.

**Accidental-baby-acquisition **(1)

"Puppets can't get pregnant!"

"Yeah, well, according to this stick I'm pregnant."

"Puppets can't get fucking pregnant!"

"Tell that to this stick."

"Oh shit – when did we even have _sex_?! Did you have sex with someone else?!"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out."

**Apocalypse Fic**

"AND I WAS ALL LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE…"

"Shut up."

"SHOOT THEM, SHOOT THEM, IN THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEAD – "

_"Shut up._"

"LIKE, SHOOT THEM, SHOOT THEM, IN THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD – "

**_"Shut. Up."_**

"LIKE, SHOOT THEM, SHOOT THEM, IN THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AD…AND KNOW YOU'RE LIKE TOTALLY DEAD, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."

"…goddammit, I told you not to drink all of the molotov cocktails, Sasori…"

**Telepathy**

_'Thought you got rid of me so easily?'_

"Goddammit, Sasori, get out of my fucking head!"

"…Neji? Is something the matter…?"

"No, I'm – _Sasori! No, I don't want you to blow me!"_

"…Neji? You're really starting to scare us…"

"Goddammit – it's not me, it's – _fuck, Sasori, go away! Don't you have anything better to do than make lewd comments every other five fucking seconds?!"_

"…right, well, I think we'll just go…"

**High School/College AU**

"Well, hello there Mr. Aka-sexy."

"You know I'm probably going to get arrested on charges of rape, right? Or something?"

"How is it rape if I'm the one fucking you?"

"That aside, really – "

"Does it look like I care?"

"What about your rep – "

"_Does it look like I care_?"

"Your uncl – "

"**_Does it look like I care._**"

"…fucking hell, I'm not sure _I _care that much either anymore…"

"I thought you'd say that."

* * *

**Well wasn't that fun. No? I love you too.**

_**I NEED SLEEP DAMMIT.**_

**xxx**

**(1) Well, this could go either way, so…MPREG IT IS BITCHZ.**


End file.
